sexwise teenagers...

For Parents

Things to remember

… sex education should be started early, answering genuine questions clearly and simply

… girls reach puberty between 10 and 13 years, while boys reach puberty between 10 and a half and 15 years

… how early or late a child develops may follow a family pattern, but if you have any concerns about your child's sexual development, talk to your paediatrician

… masturbation is normal, healthy and usually innocent in children

… families who are open in communication and free from sexual hang-ups produce children who develop the most appropriate adult attitudes

No matter how liberated you are, talking to your children about sex can be difficult. How much should you say, and when should you start? Psychologist Dr Janet Hall has the answers...

Story by Martine Rule

intro: Sex. It's the most natural thing in the world. Yet many people still struggle to talk about it, especially with their children.

The fact is, that many parents did not have easy conversations about sex with their parents, so they find it embarrassing trying to talk about sex to their kids, says psychologist Dr Janet Hall, author of the teenage guide book to sex, SexWise. For many adults, sex was always that taboo subject even though it is as natural as the birds and the bees. So if parents aren't confident about talking about it, or if they don't have a healthy sexual self esteem, they can struggle to tell their kids what sex is all about.

Whether you're one of those parents who feels uncomfortable or you just want to make sure you're telling your kids the right things, Dr Hall answers some of the most commonly asked questions parents have when it comes to telling their kids about the birds and the bees

Q: At what age should I talk to my kids about sex?

A: As soon as they start asking you questions, start telling them. Most kids start asking simple questions from about the age of three, so you should be prepared to give them clear, honest answers. One of the best things you can do is to go to the library and get books like Where Do I Come From and Bodies. These books are very cute, there are loads of pictures to look at and there is nothing quite like the power of something in writing. Sit down and go through the book with your child, then leave them to go back and study it on their own.

Q: What do young children want to know?

A: The most common questions you'll hear will relate to sexual body parts and why boys and girls look different. You don't need to go into great details or spell out every single aspect of sex – just answer the question they ask with total honesty, using reference books as a guide if you can.

Another common question is, "Where do babies come from?" If your child asks this, say, "Let's go and get some books from the library and find out."
Be careful how much information you give young children. Too much can confuse and frighten them.

Q: Where and when is the best place to talk to my kids about sex?

A: One of the best places is while you are in a car because you have a trapped audience. If you want to approach a subject, try telling a story about someone you knew, so your child doesn't feel he/she is being lectured.

Another great place to talk to kids about sex is at the zoo or on a farm. If you see the animals doing it, you can say to you child, "Those animals are having sex, that is what they do so they can make baby animals." Tell them this is perfectly normal then see if your child has a question.

Q: What do I do if I catch my child playing with themselves in public?
A: Little kids explore their sexuality, they play with themselves and rub themselves on things and parents need to be able to address those things straight away. Tell your child that what they are doing is embarrassing to do in public, that it is something they should do alone.

I know a true story of a mother who saw her young child playing with herself. When the mother explained that it was something she should do alone, the little girl looked up and asked her to leave the room!

Q: Should both parents talk to kids about sex?

A: It would be great if both parents could talk to their kids, but unfortunately most men prefer to leave the job up to their wives.
If your husband won't lend a hand, get yourself a copy of Let's Talk About Sex, from the Australian Council of Education. This book is a help guide for parents who wish to discuss sex with young children and teenagers.

Q: What if my child feels uncomfortable talking about sex?

A: Then don't push it. Introduce the subject when they are ready and when they are curious. Don't bombard them with information they're not ready to learn or have no concept of. But whenever they are ready, make sure you answer them completely honestly.

Q: How will talking to my kids about sex help them?

A: Knowledge is power and if you don't teach your kids about sex, someone else may take advantage of them and even abuse them.

Q: Is it best to use the correct names for the various body parts?

A: Hiding behind words like willy can be cute, but it's best teach them the real words, too. It makes kids feel more responsible for their own bodies to be told the truth. Start their sexual esteem off from a young age so they don't grow up thinking their body parts are bad or distasteful.

Q: How can I stop my child being exposed to sex on TV?

A: Television has a lot of sexual content these days and it is hard to protect your kids. Even The Simpsons has screened programs with sexual content in them. Parents need to be aware about what their kids are watching. If they have access to the internet, ensure you have a nanny net system that stops them coming into contact with unwanted sexual material.
For more information on dealing with your kids and sex, you can email Dr Hall

Dr Jan is available to talk with groups who are ready to challenge the importance of sex in a public forum.

For more Information and to book Dr Jan to speak,
Please see Public Speaking
And phone 9419 3010 or email: info@drjanethall.com.au