Sandy’s Story

  • First tried for sex early November 1999
  • Married 22nd January 2000
  • Day 2 of honeymoon, got thrush from living on tropical island 30-40 degrees, 70-85% humidity and NO AIR CONDITIONING, walking around in sweat drenched clothes. It was really bad even the locals were suffering badly. (Norfolk Island)
  • Feb/March 2000 J went to local GP for the problem of thrush. Talked about problem of no sex, he had a look and said she is very small and he gave a referral to specialist.
  • We went and saw Dr F, Gynaecologist) April 2000. He had a look and said the same thing (being very small), J would not let him examine her much, pain and being scared. He tried to do an ultrasound too but to no avail. The doctor said he gets lots a girls with the same problem (a lot of doctors have told us the same thing too)
  • 21st May 2000 J had the operation.
  • The doctor gave us a prescription for Xyolcaine 5% ointment and said that would numb her and if that does not work, get her drunk! He joked that’s how the people solved the same problem back in the UK/Scotland.
  • Two weeks later we went back, as this did not work. J does not drink, it makes her feel really sick rather than relaxed.
  • He booked her in for surgery to give her a “Fentons” operation to enlarge the opening. They cut downward and stitch back the skin. (But this procedure had failed when we got a second opinion from another specialist; Dr F had only done a ½ job so we were told). We discussed the procedure with Dr F and he told us because the cut would go near the back passage J would never be able to have children naturally, which made us a little upset.
  • 2 weeks later we went back to have the stiches removed (3 in total) he could only get 2 J was fighting too much (dissolvable stiches) he told us that in 2 more weeks we could try again with the local antithetic numbing Xyolcaine. We have changed from a 5% ointment (too strong) to a 2% Gel (doctor wrongly proscribed the medication in the first place should never use an ointment in that place)
  • October 2000 we were back in his office again to report that we had, no success at all, it had only made it sorer, in the cut the doctor did. The soreness has stopped any real effort to have sex at all.

Dr F then told me to get her drunk again, or to use sleeping pills. Dr F proscribed Temaze.

The really strange thing is all out of all the doctors we saw, they all told me the same thing, it was all in J’s head “The Pain”, but looking back on it now it seem rather strange that all four doctors we have seen, all said the same thing about J (all in her head) yet none of them even suggested for J to have a Doctor look at her head (therapist), to see what’s going on up stairs! Now that we have put all the pieces together ourselves later on, the real answer was staring us in the face, yet we did not see the answer, in listening to what the doctors’ actual comments were. We could have adverted a lot of expense and pain and mental distress over this whole issue if maybe we have been referred to a therapist FIRST !

  • November 2000 I forced J to go back to see her other GP Dr H and get a referral to a second specialist. We did this and in December 2000 we went and saw him.
  • We told the local GP Dr H, that the specialist had told us that J could not have children because the cut was near the back passage, he said rubbish he said when he delivers babies if their head is going to be too big he get scissors and cuts right through to the back passage anyway and stich it all up later, it was a very normal procedure. We were very shocked and upset by all this miss information.


Dr L (Gynaecologist) examined J and said the other doctor had stuffed up the surgery job and it would require further surgery to fix it. He said what the other doctor had done was not even a recognised procedure. He also notice from J’s refusal to left the him examine her inside, that a lot of J’s problems were mental side of things, when he finished and pulled the curtain across he stuck his hand to his head, with his finger pointed to his head he was making gestures that it was all in her head, like a crazy person (mentally).

  • Dr L also said that Dr F had preformed extra surgery that was not required. Dr F had also made incisions in her tummy so that he could look at her womb and her tubes to make sure everything was as it was supposed to be. Dr L made strong comments about how that type of examination is totally unnecessary to a young girl, rather invasive.
  • He booked her in for day surgery.
  • About 1 week or so later we went back to have Dr L examine the job, he seemed happy with the progress. He said to us not to worry about being rough down there as it was built to have children though it and it can take a lot a stretching etc without any damage.
  • He told us that if we still had no success with sex that we were to give him a call and he would give us a name of a sex therapist.
  • The really strange thing is that when I called him his receptionist was on holidays and he had no idea the name of the person or where to find them, when the receptionist came back she did know either. Dr L had to actually drive to where the therapist (Dr Janet Hall) was located and get the details. It really makes you think about how many times he has actually referred people to a therapist, from this experience I would say that he has not referred anyone for YEARS !! if at all.
  • On day about 2 weeks before J come to see you, I actually asked her if she had been attacked or something like that when she was a child? Then she came out and told me about the boy that lived across the road from her. And how they had taken her up the street and did something to her, she can’t remember what happened. She thinks that she was between 8 and 10. From what I can understand this happened twice.
  • And from here on in you know most of the rest of the story.



I have very strong doubts that J will ever be able to overcome her fear of sex and many other fears too, like needles, spiders, mice and other self-esteem issues. It will take many more years before I would or could notice a difference.

Even when I meet her as a 19-year-old girl she was very scared and had a big problem with her own self esteem. She used to always answer any question with “I don’t know” she could not make a decision on anything, it took me about 6-12 mths to get her out of that bad habit and to give her the choice to make her own decisions and express her own thoughts. She’s made a lot of progress over the last 3 ½ years. But she still frequently asks me permission to buy things (anything) what to cook, can I have this….., can I open this packet of biscuits, we have bought a lot things together and she still has to ask permission to have or use it.

She’s the sort of person that does not make friends easily. Over the last few years, she’s had no and made no new friends except for me. She’s very frighted to lose me. She had some friends in high school but most of them don’t what to know her, they never ring to say hello or do you want to come out with us etc. Those girls she knew, she has not seen or heard from in at least 2 – 2 1/2 years.

As I mentioned to you it will take a Major or Step event for her to get over this and after 19 months and all the stuff we have been though I am at my wits end, I can see her ever getting over it.

J knows how much this simple issue has been slowly tearing us apart, but as I have said to you she shows little interest and commitment to fixing it (scared ?). All the doctors and appointments we have ever made (about 8 -12 in total). I have had actual do all the call and running around, because she will not make that simple phone call. I was the one who also had to ring you office to make an appointment too!



After the last few nights since J’s 3rd visit to you, yes she’s gained an actual sex drive (at times), which is encouraging but we they tried again to have sex again and no luck, she still too scared. After you session its pickup but it soon fades over the next 24 hours. It just too hard for me to even try, when I get constantly kicked off, its terribly depressing and frustrating to me. And I wounder why I am miserable half the time.

She’s having a go at using a vibrator (with me) and getting pretty worked up, but that’s the extent of it, we have tried sex three times with any progress (since she started seeing you 3 weeks ago).

What we have done at home it set up a nice sturdy table (perfect height) with a doona on it, and what we do is J lies on her back and I place her at the edge and I hold her legs. I let her calm down and deep breathe and relax then I will start very slowly insert. The most I have ever gotten in is about 2 cm’s and that’s looking from above, maybe the most I have pushed in 2.5cm.

J is usually fine till I get to 2cm and then that’s when she get scared, from a combination of pain (in the cut from the doctor) & the pain from stretching and the weird feeling of it going in.


  1. J started taking the pill (Microgynon ED30) in July 1999.
  2. Dr F (Gynaecologist – Specialist) – April 2000 – prescribed Xylocane 5% ointment. But this just burned. (to be applied to opening and inside to make it numb). Later on another doctor said 5% is way to strong, I was told 10% is what dentists use to numb peoples gums. Prescribed Xylocane 2% gel, much more successful in controlling pain.
  3. Dr F (Specialist)- 21.10.2000 Temaze 10 Mg (mild sleeping tablets) prescribed 1 tablet) 1 did nothing, took 2 another night and still nothing?
  4. Dr H proscribed in November 2000, Voltaran suppositories for pain also, used only twice with some success, but hard to judge.
  5. Dr M (Local GP) – 3.4.2001. Alepam 30 Mg (stronger sleeping tablets) Prescribed to take between ½ to 1 tablet when going to bed. Tried only a ½ to see what would happen. Relaxed, hard to judge the effects.
  6. Dr M (Local GP) – 3.4.2001. Changed pill from Microgynon 30 Ed to Microgynon 50 Ed, doctor said the higher level of Estrogens would increase the hormonal levels.

I hope this has been of some help to you, I it made me feel better to sit down and write down what’s been going on over the past 19 months. When I read over this I was nearly crying because I was listening to what has actually been going on over such a long time, your memory fades over time and you try to forget a lot of these things.